


No Colors in the Dark

by aobapasta



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, a lot of ups and downs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-06 00:44:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17929541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aobapasta/pseuds/aobapasta
Summary: Kenma has always been prone to depression as an introverted person, but things reach the extremes when he isolates himself even from his best friend rather than face his fears.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I read a fic a long time ago about Kenma attempting suicide that really resonated with me, but after searching I haven't found it anywhere on the web, so here's my... fanfiction of fanfiction. Whoever wrote that original fic, hmu sometime.

“Kuroo.”  
Kenma swatted the hand away, disinterested in distraction from his Nintendo. He continued to press the buttons with great concentration as his friend tried his best to distract him.  
“Come on, it’s so nice out. If you try practicing with me, I’ll buy us mochi. You love mochi.” Having lost the level yet again, probably due to incessant distractions, Kenma glanced up at Kuroo’s pleading face.  
“Ok,” he sighed as he set down his game. It would still be there later, when his best friend finally went home. Feeling a small amount of satisfaction at the smile that broke across his face, Kenma felt his hand being grabbed as he was dragged outside to learn whatever it was he’d been begging him to do lately. The more he begged, the less attention he paid.  
It turned out that the activity in question was volleyball. Or, at least, pretending to play volleyball. Although Tetsurou seemed born to play, Kenma was having a hard time keeping up. Gradually, determination overcame him, and the need to be equal with his friend drove him to learn. Picking up the ball, Tetsurou looked at him in surprise.  
“That one really went far! I don’t know how you did it!” Seeing Kenma’s slight smile, the gangly boy gave him a hug. “We’re gonna make the team. Wait and see.” The sun was bright behind his friend as he smiled down at him.  
_______  
The room was too dark, and his phone was too bright. Realizing he had just woken up from a dream, Kenma silenced the call. Probably spam. Glancing at the clock, he sighed in irritation. It was almost an hour before he had to be awake for school. He hadn’t had a good sleep in… forever.  
The dream played over in his head as he closed his eyes. More of a memory than a dream, as it had happened in the year preceding their first team tryouts. It had been together, because they had done everything together. He pushed the thoughts from his mind; it was too early for this, even if he couldn’t go back to sleep. Shuffling out of bed and into the bathroom, he attempted to focus his mind on anything else. Anything at all.  
_______  
As expected, his performance at practice was nowhere near his normal standards. There was no point in channeling his energy, as he hadn’t been able to since Kuroo had left.  
“Kenma!” Snapping out of a memory, he realized that he had missed the ball in what should have been an obvious move. He felt the mixture of concern and irritation between his teammates and felt absolutely useless. Thankfully, practice was almost over, and it would be time to head home. Escaping before anyone could stop to bother him, Kenma made his walk back alone before taking the metro and heading straight upstairs to his room. His mother had opened the curtains, which he promptly shut before crawling into bed. He felt shame and sadness wash over him as he remembered being such a disappointment only an hour ago, wishing he could forget everything, even if only for a little while. Knowing full well how much classwork was due in the morning, he went straight to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :::::TW::::: don't read this if panic attacks or attempted suicide upset you. Also Kenma will be fine, I love him.

It was spring, and the first sakura petals of the season littered the ground as Kenma made his way home from practice. “There’s no way. I would never choose the main character. That’s basically the same as choosing vanilla.”  
“So what if Mario is my favorite character. I also happen to be in love with every main character in every anime you’ve ever watched. Also I love vanilla, romance novels, and long walks on the beach, and I’m still thinking about being either a vet or a firefighter.” Kuroo snickered at his own joke as Kenma poked him with his elbow.  
“Shut up.” He couldn’t help but smile, knowing that his best friend was truly an asshole.  
Tetsurou sighed loudly before nudging him again. “Hey. By the way.”  
“By the way?”  
“I’m accepted into that university.”  
“Oh. Good.” Kenma tried his best to seem happy for his friend, but he began to feel the gnawing of anxiety in his gut. Kuroo didn’t seem to notice, beginning to go into detail about his thoughts on everything. Kenma began to lose track of the conversation, mind blurring as he… he was awake. Damn, he wished he could go back to sleep. But the clock said he only had one hour until he had to catch his train.  
_______  
Actually, he didn’t catch the train. And he didn’t go to school. For the first time in his life, he chose to stay in bed; he would rather watch his grades lower than face the world for another morning. He’d stayed home from school before, but never purely out of a state of constant depression. He would be worried, but he was too tired and too sad to care. Thoughts kept flowing through his mind, moments of embarrassment and anxiety and every other memory he had ever tried to suppress. As time ticked by, his memories continued to drift towards when his life had been the happiest and when it had all changed.   
Kuroo had been standing under the pavilion of a ramen shop in Tokyo with him, the two of them taking a break from their families and spending a short amount of the holidays doing what they wanted. The rain had caught them by surprise, so they had ducked for cover. Kenma was shivering, clearly not enjoying being soaked through a thin t-shirt.  
“Here. Time to live out a cheesy cliché.” He suddenly felt the weight of a jacket settling on his shoulders   
Pulling it close to his face, he mumbled a thank you. He felt the light brush of his best friend’s fingers as he gently wiped the rain from his face. Kenma looked up at him, forgetting all about the rain and their terrible hostel and the fact that they hadn’t found a single video game store today and just… appreciated him. He felt himself moving closer, towards the warmth that was Kuroo, felt their faces coming closer, hidden in the low entrance of a closed noodle shop.  
Suddenly he backed away, realizing where he was. “Tetsurou.”  
The look of confusion and disappointment on his face was enough to make him immediately regret his reaction, but it was too late, and the moment was over.  
“Sorry, I totally got carried away. Just forget about that.” Kenma watched as his best friend faked a smile and brushed it off, all while feeling his muscles tense as the world swayed around him. “Kenma…?”   
“I’m fine.” Everything was slightly hazy and he closed his eyes as he leaned against the wood of the door. “I’m fine.”  
“Do I need to take you back? Do I need to call an ambulance? I shouldn’t have… I didn’t know…” The look of concern and worry and all-around devastation on his face was enough to make tears swell in his eyes, only tightening his chest and causing his ears to ring. He was sure he was crying now, and he realized he had slid to the ground.  
Kenma choked out a meek “No, just take me back,” before he felt himself being carried towards where they had planned on staying for the night. Resting his head on Kuroo’s chest made him feel safe, causing the fog to begin to lift; he realized the irony of it with a flinch of pain.  
They didn’t talk much after that. Kenma had responded to his messages less and less, and by the time summer rolled around, they barely saw each other save for the odd moments in which they both found themselves at the same Seven Eleven. After enough time had passed, Kenma had managed to witness the thin threads of his remaining friendships dwindle and break as he watched. He had let them. He didn’t care. He still didn’t. He rolled over in his sheets and realized that the memory had made him cry. He rubbed the tears away in irritation, disappointed in himself and at his inability to communicate, let alone repair bridges that were already burnt. Actually, he hadn’t burned them, he had let them rot while he stood there and watched, and the thought alone fed into the tears that were making him think too hard about the things that hurt him the most.  
It was all so overwhelming, and he felt the waves of emotion wash over him one by one. He was such a disappointment, to himself and to everyone he cared about. He didn’t feel like it was worth it anymore. He tried to stop thinking, to fall asleep, but nothing changed; he was still alone, in the dark, hating himself and feeling worthless. He knew what he was going to inevitably do, for which he felt sorry beyond words. He took a deep breath and felt the silence of the room before pulling a sharp line on both arms.


	3. Chapter 3

He had let it happen. He laid in bed and watched the world become hazy; it was painful, but didn’t last forever. Kenma had blacked out and wasn’t aware of much until he woke up in the hospital, which is definitely not what he had expected. He had woken up once or twice already, and his mother had expressed her concern and dismay. It had been intended to make him feel better about being cared for, but all it really did was make him feel the weight of disappointment once again. What surprised him this time upon waking up was that the figure in the corner wasn’t his mother, but Tetsurou, who was slouching and texting. Realizing that his bandages were clearly visible, he tried to casually slide his arms under the bedsheets, whether or not it really made a difference.  
“Hey.”  
“Kenma!” He watched as Kuroo stood up too fast and almost knocked over the chair. “When I heard what happened I had to come see if you were doing ok.”  
“You had to?” Kenma wasn’t sure why he would.  
“Not had to, wanted to. I wanted to come see you.” Reading his thoughts exactly, even after all this time.  
“Oh.” He refused to make eye contact out of a combination of embarrassment and anxiety. “Thanks. I’m ok.”  
Kuroo shoved his hands in his pockets. “Well, anyway, all I really needed was to say hi, so I guess I can go…” He reached up to rub the back of his neck, clearly thinking more than he was saying.  
“You can stay if you want.”  
A look of surprise came over his face. “Ok then sure.” It didn’t take a second request for him to make himself comfortable, pulling a chair to Kenma’s bedside. “I heard that tomorrow you can go home?”  
He shrugged. “Yeah. Guess so.” Kuroo opened his mouth to reply, but the doctor and his mother entered the room before he had the chance to speak. At first he paid no attention and just nodded his head when it seemed appropriate, but at some point he realized they were discussing treatment for his mental health.  
“No.”  
“No?”  
“I won’t go to a psych ward.”  
His mother seemed upset. “It doesn’t mean anything bad, honey, just that you’ll get a chance for some help.”  
“No.” Taking his statement as a final answer, they began discussing alternatives.  
“Like a vacation?” his mother was inquiring.  
“Yes. But he would have to be accompanied by a non-parent.”  
Kuroo had been listening throughout the conversation, and when Kenma didn’t immediately reject the thought, he interjected himself. “I can go.”  
And it was all over. Kuroo knew about the suicide attempt. He must have to have jumped in so quickly. Kenma didn’t think he’d ever been as embarrassed in his life, and besides, he didn’t even know his best friend anymore. They probably weren’t even best friends by now; for all Kenma knew, he could be married with five children already.   
Having been distracted by his own train of thought, he simultaneously realized that he was staring and that it had been settled without him. He wished he could start focusing again once in a while.   
“Bye Kenma. See you later.” He meekly waved Tetsurou as he left, absolutely mortified at the thought that their first conversation in ages had ended the way it did. He wished that maybe he was dreaming again.


	4. Chapter 4

Since it was the last day before spring break, Kenma figured that he would ask his doctor to extend his absence. Either way, he wasn’t going to school that day. His things were already packed, sitting in a neat row by the front door where his mother had put them. He wasn’t doing much of anything, since even games felt hard to get into lately; he was just leaning on the wall, looking at the floor, waiting for a knock at the door.  
Finally it came, and after prying his eyes off the excitement that was the wood floor, he waited for a few seconds to seem less like he had just been… doing what he was doing. When he opened the door, Kuroo was standing with his bag in his hand.  
“Ready?”  
“Sure.”  
He grabbed one of the duffel bags on the ground at the same time Kuroo took his other for him. “I can handle it.” He earned himself a pat on the back from his friend and rolled his eyes. Whatever.  
The two of them headed towards the metro, making small talk along the way. Kenma almost sighed in relief at the silence of the train, where he wouldn’t be expected to make conversation. Most of the ride was spent falling asleep, and the other part was filled with embarrassment when he realized he had been asleep on Kuroo’s shoulder.   
After figuring out where exactly they were headed, they arrived at a facility with perfectly manicured gardens. Kenma merely looked up at Kuroo with a mildly uncomfortable expression on his face, and he nodded and took care of talking to the front desk.  
It wasn’t so bad as he had been afraid of, but the sterility and calmness of the buildings never stopped reminding him exactly why he was here. Each time his memories returned, he felt a tiny knife to his heart.  
“Which room do you want?”   
“Um. I guess that one.” Kenma randomly pointed to one of the two rooms, connected by a small living space and sharing a shower. He dumped his things onto the bed and immediately laid on it, inevitably overthinking just about everything.  
***  
Later that night, after he eventually got out of bed, he opened their joint exterior door to uncover someone with a lot of food. “Who’s that for?”  
Kuroo shrugged. “Both of us. Why not? You’re super skinny anyway.”  
Kenma chose to ignore him and peek into the bags, discovering a box of mochi and confiscating it.  
“Hey! What if those were for me?” Tetsurou had a fake hurt expression on his face.  
“I’m skinny anyway.” The shorter of the two smiled a little, pointedly eating one as he watched his friend scoff dramatically. Maybe it was easier to talk to Kuroo than he had thought after all.  
They ate together, and Kenma was surprised at how normal things felt between them. Any time that Kuroo brought up a sensitive subject such as high school or being stupid kids together, Kenma skirted the subject, drawing it back to a comfortable pointlessness. Eventually Kuroo yawned and stretched before heading off to bed, which Kenma thought he would do as well. Before he had shut his door, he heard his friend call his name. Looking back, he caught a smile and a wave, one of which he returned.


End file.
